NBA Preview by Committee Part 2: Rebound

Dear JBH,

I've pondered several ways in which I might respond to your last post on our favorite schizophrenic professional athlete.

I could have listed the many ways in which Artest has hurt or helped his teams in the past, and the potential for him to repeat these performances in myriad ways over the next eight months, but I think we've exhausted that line already.

Or I might have responded to your question with a list of additional questions in search of some explanatory power: "Do you think he likes Los Angeles as a city?" "What is his over/under for games suspended this year?" "Did the Lakers have to hire more security guards to protect their season ticket holders from personal injury?" "Do you see a Shaq/Artest mixtape in the cards for next summer?"

But these efforts all seemed guided by my attempts to find reasons for why Ron "The Melee" Artest might succeed or fail in LA and the ramifications on the Laker's season. The problem with this strategy is, of course, that things like "reason" and "consistency" don't really apply to a man like Ron Artest.

So, after many sleepless nights, I reverted to my old college ways and decided to plagiarize from Wikipedia to help in my prediction for the fate of Ronnie Defense.

"Chaos theory," says the magic Wiki, "studies the behavior of certain dynamical systems that may be highly sensitive to initial conditions. As a result of this sensitivity, which manifests itself as an exponential growth of error, the behavior of chaotic systems appears to be random. That is, tiny differences in the starting state of the system can lead to enormous differences in the final state of the system even over fairly small timescales."

The Zenmaster needs to hope that he's setting up RonRon with the right initial conditions. Otherwise, well, we've all seen what can happen.


Speaking of unstoppable forces, my toss back to you is focused on Beantown's new southern rival. Do you think the Magic made enough improvements over the summer to repeat in their conference championship performance, or will Lebron and the new defensive unit be too much to overcome?

Still too scared to put the Celtics under the microscope,
JC

NBA Preview By Commitee Part 2

JC,

I see your point on Kevin. Not at all sure that the youngster's scoring touch, precocious and prodigious as it is, makes the Thunder any better. The thing is...I don't care. OKC could have 30 wins, 13 wins, or 3 wins next season, and it really wouldn't excite me. What would excite me? If I get to tune in several times a week all season long and watch Durant do his New-And-Improved-George-Gervin routine for 44 minutes a game. That would excite me.

And I stand by my prediction.

As for the Big Aristotle in Cleveland, I'm not entirely sure what to expect. On the whole, I think the acquisition will be viewed as at least a partial disappointment, since I don't think it solved any of Cleveland's mortal flaws. But I don't really buy the theory that Shaq's personality is going to ruin the whole thing. I get that he's used to the spotlight and has clashed what with a lot of sidekicks in the past, but do you really think he's the kind of ego maniac that would blow up a chance to bring Lebron his first title? I don't see it.

I'd be a little more worried about the chemistry involved in a different off-season addition.

I speak of Los Angeles. And Mister Ron Ron.

This summer he released a "rap" tribute to the deceased Michael Jackson. It does not contain many rhymes per se. It does contain reference to crying, carrying firearms, and meeting Mr. Jackson in heaven "next year".

Uh huh. Any thoughts on the new Laker?

Concerned About My Man,
John

NBA Preview by Committee Part 1: Rebound

Ah, the blogosphere. How I've missed thee. It's hard to believe that just five short months ago we were meditating our way into a drunken stupor while the Celts were busy finding ways to drop games 6 and 7 to a sporadically efficient Orlando Magic squad. But hey, at least everything turned out well with KG's knee...

And here again is my friend Johnny, back to his old ways of slurping Kevin "Big Win Over New Mexica State" Durant. We get it, he's a good player, but his team is shit and his franchise has some serious karma issues to contend with. And can I take this chance to pose some serious questions: Why does OKC's jersey look like the mesh tanktop they hand out at registration in an outdoor three-on-three tournament? They're paying these guys millions, if not tens of millions of dollars each year and they can't spring for someone to design some better uniforms? Does Durant's agent have any say in this?

As for Durant winning the scoring title this year, I would refer to my dear State Rep and ask you: "On what planet do you spend most of your time?" You're right to call up Kobe and Dirk among those he needs to pass, but that list also includes BronBron and DWade, and I don't see all four of these boys slipping down behind a kid who only recently earned the right to walk though a casino. I could see Durant jumping ahead of Danny Granger (surprised me too) and one or two of the other guys this year, but adding 4-5 pts a night is a pretty incredible feat, even for someone who made it all the way to the second round of the NCAA tournament.

I think the most important aspect related to this prediction, though, is whether or not Durant winning the scoring title is actually good thing for his team this year. Sure, Green knows how to get his points by cleaning up on missed shots, but what does Sefolosha do if he's not asked to be a scorer? He certainly didn't pick up any good habits playing with Derrick Rose and the rest of the underwhelming Chicago cast during the first three years of his career. And most everyone agrees Westbrook is in for a stellar sophomore season, but what happens when he gets winded and (GULP) Shaun Livingston steps on the floor to command the offense? The relative success of the Thunder this season will likely hinge on Scott Brooks' ability to weave together at least a somewhat balanced offensive attack. Otherwise, if/when the Thunder become competitive enough for teams to take them seriously, it won't be difficult for opposing squads to frustrate their one-dimensional offense (see: Lebron James, et. al.)

Bringing things over to the East for a moment, my question posed to you is this: Can Shaq thrive in a supporting role in Cleveland, or will his ego cause him to lash out at Lebron after a few months of playing second fiddle to the new King of Parquet Castle.



I think Shaq ends up starting the fiasco that leads to BronBron saying goodbye to Cleveland. But does that mean we all have to start liking Kobe again?



Yours in nervous anticipation,
Cooter

NBA Preview By Commitee Part 1

Dear Mister Jeffrey,

Hoops finally starts for real tonight and not a moment too soon, as I think you will agree that this is already shaping up to be one of the worst NFL seasons of our lifetimes. It also comes as a rather welcome occurrence considering that nearly a dozen topics of NBA intrigue have been consuming my every waking thought for the past few weeks.

Is Garnett setting us up for another season of magic or a colossal disappointment? How much better can Bron Bron get? How about D Wade? Are the Wizards a conference contender or one of the worst teams in the NBA? And what about those off-the-charts bonkers two weeks where Al Jefferson looked like Kevin McHale just before he got injured?

After one of the crazier off-seasons in history, we are finally back and business and ready to investigate these mysteries of our beloved game.

What I propose to you, sir, is little back and forth banter to start the season off. I'll toss a topic out to get us started. You come back at me - agreeing, refuting, illuminating, or insulting - and then add your own proposal. We add a new one each day for the next two weeks, all leading up to Cleveland's October 16th visit to San Antonio to face Timmy Duncan's Spurs.

Ready?

I'll start things off with a modest proposal about one of the most electrifying young men currently lacing up hightops in the Association: Kevin 'Long and Smooth' Durant.

My man will lead the league in scoring this year.

Last year he posted 25.3 a game to place sixth in the category, but don't forget that it wasn't really till APRIL that they switched him to small forward. Once he moved there, the kid exploded for almost 31 a game! Everything you heard during the summer - including truly glowing reports from US Basketball mini-camp - sounded like there's a breakout year on the horizon. And most importantly, unlike a few of the men who finished ahead of him last time - Dirk and Kobe come to mind - it feels like Durant might actually get more rather than less shots this season.

By the way, he shoots about 48% from the field and 42% from three.

Durant was murderous as a 20 year old. What is he capable of at 21? And you know what will be really interesting if KD ends up taking the scoring title? The Thunder are only scheduled for one nationally televised game all season long.

Time to take another look at that League Pass...

Your Brother in Excitement,
JB

ARE YOU READY...

FOR THE 2009-2010 NBA SEASON?

Money Mike

What do Gatorade, Nike, and Wheaties have in common? They are three of the biggest sports-related corporations on Earth and they all got to where they are today on the back of the incomparable Michael Jordan.

And don't even get us started on Gentle Treatment hair products.

Mike was the greatest athlete of our lifetime but also the greatest pitch man in the history of the planet. So with his much-anticipated induction into the Hall of Fame just next month, we break out the Top 10 Jordan commercials of all time.

10) I always thought a better end to this would be if Bird lost the bet on the last shot and, as punishment, had to put on that outfit that Jordan is wearing...but this one is still pretty good.



9)You know how they say that Walken just never turns down a part? Well in those early days, Mike never turned down a pitch...



8) "Mike, man, that's cold..."



7)So smooth: no words needed.



6)Always loved that they brought back Mars. The folks running Nike just did it right.



5) Man, this song makes me smile. Doesn't this ad make you feel like World Peace is possible in our time? Everybody loves this ad. Even Craig Ehlo.



4)Probably the best concept of any Jordan spot. Magic and Larry had each other. Mike only had Mike.



3) Couldn't pick a better song. I wish this commercial lasted 45 minutes.



2) "Brooklyn, New York...1963..."



1)The copy in this ad is better than 99% of the writing in Sports Illustrated. I think Don Draper wrote it.

In Indecent Times

Most of us, it would seem, don't want virtue in our sports. We don't have room for it.

Maybe that's why so many Americans scoff at the Europeans and the South Americans and the Africans and the Asians and their soccer. With all it's drama of heroes and villains, of politics and morality and national tragedy, we just can't relate.

In America, who cares?

This week, the NCAA announced that it will vacate the University of Memphis's 2007-2008 Men's Basketball season. On the one hand, this story is really something, considering that (1) the decision concerns a team that made the Final Four and was generally considered the best in the land for most of the season (2) the controversy centers around the deceitfully concealed ineligibility of Derrick Rose, the college game's best player that year and a young man who may end being one of the most memorable NBA players of his generation and (3) the man captaining the ship at Memphis was none other than John Calipari, the highest paid coach in college basketball and a man who had another Final Four vacated thirteen years ago after scandal involved with cash and - oh yes - prostitution payments to players came to light.

On the other hand, once again, who cares?

Certainly not John Calipari, who'll make over thirty million dollars over the next eight years at his new gig at Kentucky. Not Derrick Rose, who's onto bigger and better things with the Chicago Bulls. Not the University of Memphis, which had been a virtual basketball unknown before the Calipari years put them on the map.

Don't look to CBS Sports: they got their money last March regardless. And don't look to ESPN and or the curmudgeonly, coffee-soused sportswriters of America's newspapers: they're free to issue a few obligatory complaints, but they've got to move on. The Dark Prince, Mike Vick, is quickly approaching.

And who can blame them, we suppose? We've gotten to a point where there is so much money and television and corrosive incentive involved, can we really be surprised when they go this way?

It's even hard to get riled up about Calipari. Sure, in less relativist times, he would be excepted to serve as a moral example, a leader who shaped young men above all else. But as Rick Pitino might say, John Wooden is not walking through that door, fans. Dean Smith is not walking through that door and John Thompson is not walking through that door.

This is the college the basketball we have. And this is the man who, in many ways, is it's new king.

If you want to blame anyone, blame the NCAA - the sniveling, fangless, effete little watchdog who lets this stuff happen time after time. By failing to deter any of the players involved, they end up encouraging rather than discouraging cheating.

And of course, like their revolving door counterparts on Wall Street and in the Steroid-soaked Major Leagues, they coincidentally get rich along the way.

How long till the World Cup starts?

Unstandable Smooth Shit That Murderers Move With

Remember way back when dudes wore teal and purple jogging suits, Arkansas and St. John's had respectable squads, and Ross Perot was gonna be the next President? In those days, my personal style exclusively involved a pair of blue Umbros and a Larry Johnson jersey, but if it hadn't...I'd like to think I'd have worn what Kevin Buckets Durant wears in this video.

Also, respect to Mo Williams for looking like a real real real soft Eazy-E. I guess.